I'm not going to go to Panamá for the holidays this year.

Most of you know me well enough to understand how big a deal this is. This will be the first time in probably 10 years or so I haven't gone to Panamá for Christmas. I simply can't afford to go. Neither of my grandmothers is alive anymore, and they were such a big reason for my slightly-more-than-annual visits. My aunt can't take much time off during this time of year, so I would be going to read, relax, and ... hang out with the housekeeper?

I may not go anywhere for the holidays. I've already ruled out going to San Diego for Thanksgiving. If I go to San Diego at all, it will be for Christmas, but I doubt I'll be able to afford that.

The trip to Panamá for my grandmother's funeral, Keya and Dan's wedding, my last holiday trip to Panamá, and the two opera workshops have put me in a real bind financially, and this year I haven't landed as many web design jobs as I would have liked. Those freelance web jobs are what pay for my trips, and I've only had one so far this year.

I had originally hoped to see three Chargers games this year: at Houston, at Atlanta, and at Carolina. I committed to the Houston trip, second weekend of September, before I truly appreciated my current situation. I can't back out of Houston, but there's no way Atlanta and Carolina are happening.

I am getting very anxious about September. I fear that I will overdraw myself. In addition to the Houston trip, I am going to Portland, Maine, for Scotty's brother's wedding on Labor Day weekend, am going to Mohegan Sun and Foxwoods for JC's 30th birthday bash the third weekend of September, and am going to NYC this weekend to celebrate Tommy K's engagement. I tried backing out of the wedding, but Scotty wouldn't let me. Apparently, the best man (Scotty) and the groom want me there badly enough that they are letting me crash in their suite for up to two nights, no charge. The only real expense will be gas (Scotty offered to pay half, but I'm not going to let him) and maybe a meal or two. And JC is paying for the hotel rooms at both casinos for his birthday; his guests simply have to pay for meals, drinks, any gambling they do (which I plan to avoid, since I am not a fan of casino gambling), and transportation. As for this weekend, JC is driving, so I only have to help him out with the gas; but hotels in NYC aren't cheap, and I am paying for my ticket to the Mets game as well as a third of Tommy's ticket, plus any meals. Scotty suggested I only pay $20 towards the $139 + tax hotel room, but I'm not sure JC will be too keen on that, and I really hate feeling like I'm taking advantage of other people's generosity. All in all, September won't be as expensive as it could be, but expensive enough that I am still sweating it.

Despite all that, I now feel like I should take a week or two in October or November to go to London. This would not be a pleasure trip. As most of you know, I am in the process of investigating and auditioning for graduate voice programs. This will involve lots of application fees and travel to auditions this fall and winter. My mom has graciously offered to pay my application fees, but I imagine I have to figure the transportation issues myself.

There may be a way around that, though. Tonight I coached with the singer I posted about last week. Despite my criticisms of her performance, she is sought out professionally throughout Europe and the United States, and hers is an unbiased opinion with a fresh perspective. She worked me pretty strenuously on some basic technique things, such as opening up the throat and mouth, relaxing the tongue, not driving the breath but letting the tone float on the breath, etc. And we talked about my goals; I wanted an honest assessment by a professional, and I got it. She thinks I have a lot of potential. She loves the size and agility of my voice. She likes that I have a big physique and that my voice and body are healthy. She likes the quality of the sound. She is impressed with my linguistic facility, my fluency in English and Spanish and my knowledge and good pronunciation of French, German, and Italian. But she hates my technique. Or, to put it in her words, I have no technique. She thinks the "technique" I've developed is getting in my voice's way and not allowing that big sound to live. ("You don't know how to sing," she said, "you know more than the casual person on the street, of course, but that is not good enough.") She's concerned that if I don't fix my technique issues and continue to sing as I do now, that I will end up doing irreparable damage to the voice. She thinks that I can definitely succeed in opera, but because I am 30 years old the clock is ticking big time. She thinks I should study with David Pollard at Guildhall School of Music in London.

David Pollard is one of the most sought after voice teacher's in Europe. He has a long list of students singing with the world's prestigious opera companies, including La Scala, the Met, Covent Garden, etc. Carole knows him and thinks he would be interested in working with me. She told me flat out that I am not ready for Guildhall or any top music school, European or American, but that with a year of training with a top teacher I could be ready by next fall. She gave me a lot to think about. She told me to contact Pollard right away and says she will call him as soon as she returns to Paris (Aug. 21). She told me I should either consider moving to London or travelling there every 2-3 months for lessons. The latter is unfeasible, but I would strongly consider the former.

If I were to pursue this course, there would be no need to spend all that money on application fees or travel to auditions.

I can't do this blindly, though. For one, there's no guarantee that Pollard will be as interested in or impressed by me as Carole suggests, so he might not agree to teach me. And there's no guarantee I would click with him. Hence, my interest in going to London. I would spend a week or two there, having several lessons during that span. It would be a working trip, not a sightseeing trip. But London is a bloody expensive city, or so I've been told. Can I afford to go? Yet can I afford to let financial problems sidetrack my career any longer?

I may have to ask my parents or my aunt to help me out here. I know they'd do what they could to help, I just hate having to ask. It has been my goal ever since I went to college to be as financially independent from them as possible. It bothers me tremendously that I would have to ask for their help. But I probably can't do it without help. We're talking airfare (probably around $600), lodging, meals, and lessons (which are likely to be in the vicinity of $100-$150 per session). I don't think there's anyway I can afford that, even forgoing trips to Panamá, San Diego, Atlanta, and Carolina.

<sigh> Anybody want to throw some web design or web/database server business my way? Or buy a mola? Or know of a wedding/funeral they want me to sing at? You'd think by now I'd be in a better place financially....

My arm is so dead today, but it's worth it. Like EK, the cute girl who joined me last night, said, "I felt like a kid again!"

Fox wants to promote its new movie Dodgeball, so they contacted the BU intramural leagues. (Of course!) They asked the league coordinator to set up a dodgeball night for softball league participants. Those who showed up were encouraged to take posters with them and will receive 2 free tickets to a showing of Dodgeball.

I showed up, naturally. (I passed on the movie poster, but with a free ticket is the only way I'll see this movie!) I hadn't played dodgeball in about 12 years, when, as a vacation bible school teacher, I accidentally beaned a little kid in the forehead while aiming for one of the other teachers. (How was I supposed to know the little kid was using my friend as a shield???) The last time before that that I played dodgeball was in elementary school, so it had been a while.

It was a blast, and I found out that by the third game, once I got used to the rule variations, I was actually pretty adept at avoiding being hit by the ball. I threw my arm out, though, but I'll survive. I had so much fun and a tremendous work out!

--

Speaking of upcoming movies, I started reading Asimov's I, Robot a couple of days ago. I finished the first story, "Robbie," this morning and enjoyed it tremendously. I'm looking forward to completing the book before the movie comes out, although apparently the movie has nothing in common with the stories in I, Robot other than the inclusion Dr. Susan Calvin and U.S. Robotics. Still, any excuse to revisit Asimov after almost 20 years is a good thing.

--

Següe-ing, naturally, to books: Tomorrow afternoon is our book club's next meeting. We'll be discussing C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters. Since the Letters were such a quick read, I had time to read Mere Christianity first. I'm glad I did. The Letters are amusing, but there is more substance to discuss in Mere Christianity (the first half of which was fascinating). Besides, the Letters almost require a foreknowledge of Lewis' particular brand of theology; otherwise, several of his subtler points might be missed. I found that reading MC first greatly enriched my reading of the Letters, and I actively encouraged others in the book club to read it as well.

We'll see how tomorrow's meeting goes. And hopefully our next book will be more entertaining. I am going to campaign for some sci-fi, as I really would like to read Philip K. Dick's Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? or Ursula Le Guin's Dispossessed.

Summer Opera Workshop
I got my scene assignments today. I'm double-cast in both my scenes -- blech! -- but almost everyone is double-cast and in only two scenes. My concern is that I will only do one scene per night, so anyone who wants to watch both my scenes would have to come to both performances, and that would suck. I'll campaign to have both scenes performed on one night.

By the way, performances will be at 8 p.m. on June 23 and 24 at Brown Hall (Jordan Hall Building) at New England Conservatory (corner of Huntington and Gainsborough, near the Symphony stop on the Green Line).

The first scene I'm in is the Act II Duet from Donizetti's Elixir of Love. Donizetti was a delightful comic composer (one of my colleagues recently called him the Gilbert and Sullivan of Italian opera). My one complaint is that we are singing in English translation. One of my pet peeves is opera sung in translation! I'm of the opinion that the translated words often don't fit the musical phrase. Plus, I'm a musical elitist and don't particularly care that the English is easier for American audiences to understand, or that the Europeans sing in translation all the time. Yuck! I will appeal this decision but don't expect to have much luck.

The second scene is the Act I love duet from Ambroise Thomas' Hamlet. Ooh, I hope the soprano singing Ophélie opposite my Hamlet is cute! <grin> This is a Hamlet with a happy ending, as Hamlet is proclaimed king after he kills Claudius, but it has been well-received over time despite its faithlessness to Shakespeare's play.

Additionally, scenes from the following operas will be performed: Mozart's Abduction from the Seraglio (in English); Francesco Cavalli's La Calisto (very early opera, chosen no doubt for our countertenor); Bernstein's Candide; Puccini's Suor Angelica; and Thomas Pasatieri's Washington Square.

So, mark your calendars. I hope several of you will come out to enjoy an evening (or two) of delightful opera scenes.

Sputum rises to the top!
My softball team, Purulent Sputum, had a fantastic second outing tonight. Our offense was almost as potent as last week, and our defense was light years better!

Our assault got started off very early, as we were the visiting team and scored 8 runs in the top half of the first inning. Granted, most of those runs were due to bases on balls, since the opposing pitcher couldn't find the plate, but we had a few good hits, too. Only one home run in the game, though: Geoff, who cleared the fence last Tuesday, hit a ball deep to right-center in a middle inning and was able to circle the bases before the outfielders could retrieve the ball.

Several things were improved on defense. Sanjay, our pitcher, tossed a much better game, getting the other team to swing at more pitches and cutting down on the walks. Becca was there, so we had a decent first baseman instead of having to suffer my poor play at first. Sarah was the pivotman on a 6-4-3 double play in the final inning, the first time I have ever seen a double play turned in this league. We moved Geoff, our best defender, from centerfield to left field, since in slow-pitch softball everyone pulls the ball, and it paid dividends as he snagged several flyballs that might have fallen for big hits if he hadn't chased them down.

And I, of all people, playing third base, made one of the two defensive plays of the game (the other being Sarah's double play). The other team's star player was at bat. In his previous at bat he had hit a monster shot for a homerun. As he came to the plate, I trash-talked in my usual fashion, getting a good laugh out of him and his teammates. But then he got a good pitch to hit and swung hard. Fortunately, I didn't have time to think. (Thinking when you should be reacting tends to cause problems.) I simply stepped to my right, tracked the ball (which seemed to me almost to be in slow motion), and snagged it with my glove. Then I casually flipped the ball back to Sanjay. Silly me, I should have given him a chance to pick his jaw up off the ground first. Nobody could believe that *I*, defensive liability that I am, had just made an incredible defensive play. I made a couple of other good plays, though none as impressive. And I am regaining the confidence in my softball abilities that I had lost last year when all the extra weight was slowing me down. (No homeruns for me today, but I did get a sharp hit to center field that drove in two important insurance runs.)

All in all, it was another fun game, and it was exciting to get our first win and to see everyone playing so well. :)